Why am I doing this?

Some things are tough, and some combinations of things are even tougher.

Being a man who is sexually attracted to other men (in my case, the group of men known as chubs) can be tough.  being a sex-addict adds another level of complexity to life. That combined with being a member of the LDS faith can be downright awful.

Part of why that combo is so awful is that you are stuck between worlds.  On the one hand, you can’t go to anyone in the church, because you can’t let them know that you feel the way you do.  You can’t talk to your gay friends about it, because if you aren’t committed to their cause, you’re denying who you “truly are.”

None of that is really true, but that is certainly how I felt.  I was doing things that went against my religion.  Those with whom I was doing those things were more than happy to do them with me, since they usually found no wrong in them.

Some of those friends were wonderfully sympathetic, and kind enough to support me in whatever decision I ended up making.  Others would immediately break off contact because they felt that I was going against what they believed.

I needed somewhere where I could talk to someone who had struggled with himself, and emerged victorious.  Such a person is nearly impossible to find.  Because of the level of shame LDS men feel at the idea of being sexually attracted to men, they do not advertise that they have won the battle.  To declare victory publicly is to declare that a battle took place.

I want this site to serve as a place where men can come and ask questions.  I want them to feel like they are safe here.  This is a place to find love of those who have gone before, and want to lend a hand to those who have chosen the same path, but may not be having an easy time going down their chosen path.  I also want this to be a resource for those who are trying to understand the situation of someone they care about.  It is often not an easy thing to articulate or explain to those who haven’t had the same experiences.  Since gaining the experiences first hand is not something that many wish to undertake, I offer a retelling of my story as a way to understand in some small part, without having to experience.

I need to make it clear that I am not trying to convince anyone that they should make one choice or another.  I am simply here to support those men who have made the decision to not have sex with men.  I have a number of friends who are gay, and have no intention of changing that.  I love them, but their choices are theirs.  So long as we show deference to one another, we can be friends and disagree on momentous issues.

I am not here to debate.  I do that in real life.  I am not here to judge. I don’t have that right.  I am not here to tell people what to do.  Only to support them in their choice to overcome something they feel is not as it should be.

For all those who would be helped by this site, welcome.  Please feel at home here.  Anonymity is a priority.  I will not divulge identifiable data about anyone, and will make sure none is revealed by anyone else.

Thank you for visiting.  If this is the last time we see you, I wish you well on your journey.  If you decide to visit again, I look forward to hearing from you.


12 thoughts on “Why am I doing this?

    1. Joned,

      I’m still working on it. It has deminished significantly, but not yet conmpletely disappeared. That being said, I don’t know that one should wait until completely done before trying to help others along the path they want to travel.

      Thank you for the compliment on the blog. I hope you keep reading, and I hope its useful to you.

  1. Your honesty is admirable. As your blog’s graphic shows, the dark struggle upwards eventually ends in the full clean light of the sun. The pilgrim’s progress is rewarded with realized hope and faith while along the way leading many along the same path, but it does take time. You are off to a great start.

  2. Daniel,
    Thank you for your comment. I think it’s interesting that things can have one meaning for one person, and a different one for another. The graphic was actually chosen because I like large bodies of water, but I agree with your interpretation. I must say though, I was not a huge fan of the pilgrim’s progress by John Bunyan. It seemed a bit simplistic in its treatment of fairly complex things. That being said, it may have deeper meaning for others, and if so, then it serves its purpose.
    I hope you keep reading. If you know anyone who would benefit by knowing my story, please share the link to the blog.


  3. I just wanted to commend you for your honesty, and for your big heart in striving to reach out to others. I truly feel this is THE issue for my church in these days (the LDS or Mormon Church). It really grips my heart because of those I love who struggle with same gender attraction. I was confused and disheartened by Boyd Packers talk last year in General Conference, even wondering if his views were ‘old fashioned’, a product of his generation. I know he is a man of God, too. I think we all need to pray that church leadership can be guided well, and we need to talk openly and with love and compassion. God bless you in your journey.

    1. Paige,
      Thank you for reading. I agree that this is a big issue, not so much because it affects so many people, but because it is so foreign to many, and its complexity makes it rather daunting for someone to approach, even before societal norms are applied. Thank you for loving those you know who have struggled. Your love likely means a great deal to them. Please express it to them often.
      I’m curious about your experience with President Packer’s talk. I found it quite heartening, personally. (It certainly did wonders for the number of hits this blog received…) From what I remember, he did advocate love and compassion, even though he did take a firm doctrinal position. Perhaps I should re-read it. I would be happy to discuss it with you if you’d like. Feel free to email me at rlg65929@gmail.com

  4. I appreciate your blog and honesty. I too have struggled with ssa and have looked online for positive blogs about people trying to change or be strong. Not much out there. keep hanging on and improving. Hopefully I can too.

  5. From my perspective, this is a therapy that doesn’t work for a condition that doesn’t need to be cured. If you can’t live a full life in your religion, have you asked yourself if you can live a full life out of it?

    1. While I appreciate your perspective, I think that you may lack sufficient knowledge of my situation to make such a statement with any sort of authority. I whole-heartedly reject the idea that I have to engage in sexual acts either with myself or with other men in order to live a full life. As for your question of whether I can live a full life outside of my religion, no. My religion is mine not by tradition, not by inertia, but by choice and conviction. I would sooner give up my citizenship than my faith. My religion is the transcendent cause for which I live. Without it I would be lost, without purpose. That is not a life I would ever choose.

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