Running the Marathon

I’ve never been a distance runner.  I’ve always been a sprinter, and not a great one at that.  My body is not built to run, and so I’ve never really gotten into that sport.  I’m built for leverage, and for power.  Unfortunately, all of my training has been for short battles after which I could collapse and recuperate.  Wrestling takes a lot of conditioning, but certainly not the kind that I need for my current battle.

My therapist has commented that when one is running a marathon, and trips, one does not start at the beginning, but simply stands up, and continues to run.  This last weekend, I tripped.  I was then trampled by the other runners in the race.  I was left bloodied and broken on the pavement, wishing that I had never even registered for the race, much less shown up and started running. Continue reading


Relapse still hurts, but I’m gonna keep going

I relapsed again yesterday.  It hurts a lot. That being said, after wallowing for a while, and then talking with a dear friend, I’ve come to the understanding that I haven’t been doing the things I need to on a daily basis in order to live healthier.  Continue reading

The one I loved

Sometimes truth comes from an unlikely source.  Today, it’s from Karl Marx.  I disagree with his political philosophy, but he did say something that mirrors my feelings on friendships.  Where he refers to his son, insert friendship instead.

“Bacon said that really important people have so many relationships with nature and so many interesting possessions that any loss is quickly forgotten.  I do not belong to these people, the death of my son shattered my heart and brain, and I feel the loss as freshly as the first day.” – Karl Marx

While this may seem a bit melodramatic, it is. Continue reading

Building a wall

I was about to write that this is another post that I didn’t want to have to write, but then, I would prefer to not have to write this blog at all, so that seemed like a superfluous statement.

I screwed up the other day.  I spent the evening watching things online that I should not have been watching, and ended up masturbating. (I really hate even typing that word…)  This time wasn’t like the previous times though.  Continue reading

Post Council Separation

At the end of the disciplinary council, there were a number of the high councilors who expressed their willingness to support me in what ever way I needed to help me get back to full fellowship within the church.  One of them was a counselor in BYU’s psychological services department, another had his own private psychiatry practice, and others were simply very kind men.  There was only one problem.  In spite of their expressions of wanting to help, they didn’t seem to understand what it meant to help. Continue reading

The Jewish Kid

Shortly after I graduated from BYU, I moved into a house with some guys I didn’t know.  Some of them were welcoming, some were not.  But this story isn’t about them at all.  They didn’t know what was going on in my life, and I was ok with that.  In fact, only one of them knows now.  I went to church with them every week.  As far as they could tell, I was just another normal Mormon guy, not someone who was still falling.

While I was living there, I met a guy online.  He was sweet, Continue reading


This last weekend wasn’t too good for me. Well, that’s not entirely true.  There were some really good parts.  I spent time with a couple people who are becoming good friends of mine.  One is a bit of a professional mentor, with whom I also enjoy hanging out with as a friend, the other is a younger fellow who I think is a great kid, though his professional ambitions take him away from church more than one would hope. (scheduling, not a doctrinal conflict…)

Then there were the parts I would rather not have to tell you about. Continue reading