I didn’t want to fill out this relapse prevention sheet. I wanted to just pretend that nothing had happened, but then I admitted that it was out of denial. Since I’m told that denial is a bad thing, I decided that I was going to face the things that I did that were not wise, and write the sheet to help me get back on track. I didn’t put every detail on the sheet. I omitted a few things, but I’ve not omitted them to myself or the Lord. Not putting them here is more an act of having boundaries, and less one of trying to hide.
I’m going to be making some slight changes to what I think is a fairly good plan. I’m hopeful it will help things get better. If not, I’ll tinker some more when I have more data.
Relapse Prevention Sheet
Waking up in the middle of the night, already in the middle of acting out, having gone to sleep while pre-occupied with sexual thoughts.
longing for closeness, wanting to please someone else. (rescuer)
As long as I get to sleep I’ll be ok.
Since the cortex shuts off at night, the limbic bridge must be strengthened.
Preparing for sleep is just as important as preparing for the day.
I’m doing pretty good, I’ll be alright
While this is true, it can also lead to inaccurate evaluations of risk, leading to an increased incidence of risk taking.
Is this the safest thing you can do right now?
I was doing pretty well with my dailies, and was doing pretty well connecting with people. I’ve been spending more time being social, and I’ve been reading more than I had previously.
I was out of town going to a sporting event, and had arranged to stay with an acquaintance instead of driving back late at night. I believe it was this staying in an unfamiliar place that precipitated my waking up in the middle of the night.
Sobriety is now reset at 12/16/2010
I spent most of today working on being ok with myself, rather than on doing the things I had planned for the day.
Recovery Techniques and New Behaviors:
I’m going to start meditating before bed to clear my mind of unwanted thoughts.
Looking back over the last week, I have implemented more of my dailies, but not in any sort of systematic way. I’m doing good things, but not in the manner that would optimally reprogram my brain to better fend off bad decisions and Larry the Limbic Lizard.
Though this is not what I had in mind when I mentioned that I was going to mess something up each week to practice being ok with making mistakes, it certainly has been an opportunity.