Relapse still hurts, but I’m gonna keep going

I relapsed again yesterday.  It hurts a lot. That being said, after wallowing for a while, and then talking with a dear friend, I’ve come to the understanding that I haven’t been doing the things I need to on a daily basis in order to live healthier.  Last week, our assignment in LifeStar was to come up with a rough draft of our plan of action.  I did so, but then did not implement a single thing from the plan of action.  Obviously, this was a mistake.  I’m going to share some of the plan of action with you all, and I’ll let you in on the implementation plan as well.

The Plan of action starts with the bottom lines. These are the things we use to judge how we’re doing in terms of sobriety.  my bottom lines are:

I will not engage in any form of cyber sex.
I will not masturbate
I will not view pornography
I will not ask to see anyone’s genitalia, or show mine to them.
I will not meet up with people I meet online.

To support these bottom lines, a number of activities were outlined.  Each is designed to help me be in conscious control of my life.  I’ll not share all of them with you, but many I will.

  • I will read 15 minutes of some sort of reflective reading each day. (psychological, self-help, philosophical, inspirational, etc.)
  • I will write in my journal or one of my blogs every other day.
  • I will pray three times each day, as per agreement with my Bishop.
  • I will read my affirmations daily.
  • I will meditate at least three times a week.
  • I will read at least two chapters in the Book of Mormon each day, as per agreement with my Bishop.
  • I will attend the twelve-step program my friend attends each week.
  • I will support my friends in LifeStar at any time.
  • At least 30 minutes daily: I will lift weights and walk on MWF.  On TRS, I will go on a walk through the local open space.
  • I’ll Go to bed by Midnight
  • I’ll limit myself to current TV shows, and not more than two back episodes per day.
  • I’ll Eat breakfast – At least a protein shake.
  • I will keep granola bars in both of my cars, as well as fruit at home.
  • I’ll listen to more Mozart
  • I’ll read a fiction book for an hour at least once a week.

Some of these are things that I’ll be tweeting on a regular basis.  Others will be more nebulous. (The Mozart bit…)

As you may have noticed, there is now a twitter feed on this site.  This is tied to the account for the above listed activities.  The account is legiendaily.  I’d love it if you followed me there.  I didn’t want to be cluttering the blog with one sentence posts, as it hardly seems like the sort of thing this blog is for, but micro-blogging seemed to be the perfect solution.

I’m out of things to say, but I feel like there is more that should be said.  To that end, I’m going to share two quotes that came to mind, that I think are pertinent, and are likely going to be added to my list of affirmations.

“I never found beauty in longing for the impossible, and never found the possible beyond my reach” – John Galt

“I do not think that tragedy is our natural fate and I do not live in chronic dread of disaster. It is no happiness, but suffering that I consider unnatural. It is not success, but calamity that I regard as the abnormal exception in Human Life” – John Galt


3 thoughts on “Relapse still hurts, but I’m gonna keep going

  1. Legien,

    Thank you so much for the gift you have given to me–not only in your kind words, but in your experience. Please know that I’ll be praying for you, and that you always have a friend in me if you ever need one.

    Best wishes,

    1. Paradox,
      You are welcome. And thank you for your kind offer of friendship. I may well take you up on that offer, as I can use as much support as I can get.

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