The first time – didn’t fit the fantasy…


Most of the time when I would be chatting with men online, a common means of arousal was through story telling.  Everyone seemed to be interested in the other person’s first experience with sex.  There always seemed to be a draw to the beginning of ones path into homosexuality, as if it was a rite of initiation.

From the guy who was the willing victim of statutory rape at the hands of his high school football coach, to the one who found a random hookup in a park at night, the majority of the stories I heard were not ones of love, or of commitment.  Neither was mine.

I was in a foreign country.  I was supposed to meet up with my group at a hotel on a  certain day.  When I got to the street on which the hotel was located, I opened my laptop to check the address.  My laptop was dead.  Over the next few days,, I tried to get it fixed, but ended up having to ship it back to the states to get it repaired.

After I shipped it off, I was depressed.  I don’t always deal with stress well.  I decided I was going to go the local gay sex club, and watch.  I was hoping to see some overweight guys, and just watch them.  My voyeuristic intentions were thwarted, when there were no bigger guys in the club.  Instead I was being hustled by a thin italian guy.

He offered to let me watch him and another man, but in retrospect, I think it was a bit of a setup.  the other guy bailed fairly quickly.  I ended up having sex with the italian.

Afterward, I walked back to my hotel.  I took a shower and got in bed.  It was about 8 PM.  I felt awful.  well, I don’t know that awful is quite the word.  I felt numb.  I felt empty.

The group I was with wanted to go do something that night.  When they came in to ask if I wanted to go, I laid in bed, not moving, not opening my eyes, pretending to sleep, just so I could be alone.  I felt so alone that I didn’t want to be around anyone.  That feeling persisted for months, though it varied in its intensity.

No one tells you about that part.  No one mentions the depression that comes along with the activity.  No one mentions that once the moment is past, it deadens the soul.

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