Origins


I’m not entirely sure that the origin of homosexuality is that important.  I find that obsession about the cause of something is often cloaked in the idea that in order to solve a problem you have to understand how it came to be.  In some cases, it is important to understand the origin of something to effectively deal with it.  In the case of homosexual desire, I don’t think this is the case.  Let me explain how things came to be in my life, as a way to illustrate that it doesn’t matter.

I was first introduced to the idea of sex in third grade.  A classmate made a crude comment, and a gesture that piqued my curiosity.  I was nine, and curious.  I wondered how sex worked.  I really had no idea.  I didn’t get that bit of information until about two years later.  It was then that I was introduced to the concept of masturbation.  I engaged in it frequently.  All the while, the opposite sex was the object of fantasy.  Not all of the fantasy was sexual.  some was domestic.  I imagined being married to the person with whom I was dancing at the church dance.

The first time I remember being exposed to any sort of emotional display between guys was when I was hugged at church on day by a missionary.  I was fond of him before this.  I loved the missionaries.  They were the epitome of cool.  I imagine this is largely because they were older than me, and I saw them much in the same light as I saw my older siblings.  (They were all idolized)

This elder walked up to me and gave me a hug.  He said that he wasn’t allowed to hug women, so he was going to hug me instead.  He was already my favorite, but that made me love him even more.  (note, this was a fraternal emotion.)  This love of him stayed with me, though it didn’t remain attached to him.

I believe it was from him that I derived my theory on overweight men.  The theory is that they are more likely to be polarized in terms of their interactions with others.  This polarization, according to my theory, is due to societal disapproval of being overweight.  The poles that then develop as a response are on the one hand a bitterness that permeates the man’s personality, or a friendly kindness (sometimes shy, sometimes outgoing) that is used to compensate and gain friends in spite of physical characteristics that may have otherwise inhibited the formation of friendships.

My affection for that missionary became an affection for overweight men in general.  In fact the first guy I ever had a sexual fantasy about was an overweight friend I met in junior high school, as was the second.  I began to mix the emotional connection I felt with those young men, and the sexual feelings that were more and more constant in my life.  Because I mixed the two (and to be clear, it was only fantasy at that point.) I started to question my feelings.

I didn’t really trust where my feelings were coming from.  I genuinely cared about my friends, and I felt terrible about objectifying them. (I may not have known to attach that term to it at the time….)  They were my friends, and I loved them.  I was afraid of that love, because of the mixture it made within my brain.  Good people love each other.  They don’t objectify one another.

This is where the cognitive dissonance came in.  (another term I didn’t know at the time.)  Because both genuine love and improper sexual desire were directed at the same person, I doubted that the love could be a good thing.  I saw my love for my friends as evil.  It wasn’t until I received my patriarchal blessing that I started to parse things.

I am not one who shares things from a patriarchal blessing lightly, but as there is nothing about the topic at hand that is light, it is appropriate that I bring you in to the positives in my life as well.  I was told that among the gifts I was given, a love for my fellow man was one of them.  when I heard that, I thought to myself, “ok, that’s where that comes from.”

The dissonance didn’t go away, but an understanding that some of my feelings came from God certainly gave a measure of comfort.  Unfortunately, it did not lead to the other feelings abating.

I found large men to be aesthetically pleasing.  During my freshman year at BYU, one of my roommates was a large man, as was another one of my best friends.  I’m not really sure if it was my attraction to them that morphed into love for them, or the other way around, though I believe it to be Love turned to physical attraction.  I showed my affection for them, which was less well received by one than by the other.  It was this aspect of aesthetic attraction that eventually led me to start looking at homosexual pornography.

The thing is, other than as a cautionary tale, I don’t think that it is useful to know the origins.  I feel that the more important piece is whatever will keep me from engaging in homosexual activities in the present and future.  The past is of little consequence, especially when viewed in light of the atonement.

I do not believe that homosexuality is caused by an overabundance of this or a lack of that, and that by decreasing the former or increasing the latter it will magically disappear.  Homosexuality is much more complex than that, and as such cannot be dealt with solely by understanding the origin of the issue.  Were it the case, the modern marvels of computational analytics would have been able to find the causal relationship between the input and the effect.

The source of homosexuality has been debated and will continue to be debated.  In spite of evidence showing correlation with certain physical markers, and far fetched birth order theories, the simple fact remains that every action a human being undertakes has at its root a decision, the choice to engage in sexual activity, regardless of the origin of the desire, remains a choice that can be made, and can be not made.

It is this idea of choice that forces the origins to abdicate their place on the pedestal of supreme importance.  In fact, it is the very reason one may hope to overcome homosexual desires, should one choose to desire to do so.

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5 thoughts on “Origins

  1. Hi. It is rare to meet persons who are as honest, and precise in their observation and analysis of his thoughts and feelings. This can only lead to truth. which of course leads to clarification and freedom.
    Anyhow. nice to meet you.
    The cause for being attracted to someone whether it be same gender or opposite gender or an object is well known for thousands of years. however not necessarily in western thought.

    Had you access to the knowledge, which describes it in one sentence, you have but to put it to test in real life to see that it is really as is stated.

    Providing you remain as honest in your observation, and unbiased in understanding and analysis of your tests. 🙂

    Anyhow good to have met you.

    I am aware that any person can be attracted to men or women. it is the person themselves that consciously stops him or herself from viewing others as beautiful.

    This awareness of attraction does not in my opinion determine one to be homosexual.

    Anyhow by for now.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. I must admit however that the openness really is only possible for me because of the anonymity of the internet. If I had to attach my name to the story, I likely would not tell it.

      As I mentioned, I don’t find the reasons to be as important as many people seem to. For me, solutions do not always come from the origin, and the task of discovering the proximate cause of something requires such a focus on the problem as to preclude finding a way out.

      As far as what determines if one is homosexual, I’ll bring in an interesting insight on that one in a future post.

      Thank you for posting.

  2. this focus, which I am aware of, since I use it, is what is necessary for the uncovering of many truths and falsehoods. Once one has found the reason for the mental associations from early childhood, one has the ability to see those associations very clearly and redefine many of one’s thoughts as being incorrect and to see it very clearly that it is incorrect. When one’s consciousness is immersed in the newfound truth, and is immersed in the understanding that the incorrect thoughts were incorrect, and one actively seeks to correct one’s habitual thinking on the old behavior, one starts to live the newfound truths.

    besides the origins, similarly one can determine why offshoots of those behaviors, thoughts or feelings continue today. once the origin is discovered to be false with proper contemplation of what this means as to the invalidity of many offshoots of the ideas which are still continued today, many of these ideas will lose their validity in our thought and feelings and therefore the person will not think or feel these ideas, simply because they are false to him now. That is true only if the person lives by what is seen as true to him. Some ideas will continue to continue but many will fall away. These ARE solutions. You are engaged in uncovering part of the solution, with your insight.

    by the way I am unfamiliar with big words, or technical terms, 🙂

  3. I am blessed to see you seeking freedom from this strong bondage!
    I agree with sagehope in that by seeing the truth, the falsehoods will begin to make sense as to where they originated from and mutated into such lies that were played out, first in our minds, and then in our actions and by seeing the truth, these lies and strongholds do begin to fall away…. but just how to get to that place of revelation?
    For me it took… giving myself over “completely” to the Lord Jesus Christ, then letting Him gently in “His time” walk me out of the darkness into His marvelous light..
    His Truth is what set me free!
    I believe homosexuality is a sin problem, stemming from a brokenness that must be healed in the heart and mind by a complete renewing of the spirit found only through a life fully committed and submitted to the Lord Jesus Christ.

    1. Suzanne,
      Thank you for your comment. Thank you for your support.

      While I don’t disagree that the answer to sin is coming to Christ, this can be a very unsatisfying answer to those who have been religious all their lives. It is because of this lack of satiation that I am trying to put a little more context into the equation.

      I feel that the path into and out of homosexuality is a very individual one, and each individual must find his or her own way. My goal is to offer an example of my struggle, so that others will know that it is possible.

      I want to show that while it is difficult, and I’ll get into how difficult it can be, it is possible, and it is worth it. I think the search for the answer is every bit as important as the answer itself. It is in the searching that we find ourselves. It is the search that molds us into who we need to be.

      I just want to make sure that when someone searches, they find that there are those who have searched before. I want to give them the hope that I did not find at first.

      Thank you for reading, thank you for commenting.

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