Running the Marathon

I’ve never been a distance runner.  I’ve always been a sprinter, and not a great one at that.  My body is not built to run, and so I’ve never really gotten into that sport.  I’m built for leverage, and for power.  Unfortunately, all of my training has been for short battles after which I could collapse and recuperate.  Wrestling takes a lot of conditioning, but certainly not the kind that I need for my current battle.

My therapist has commented that when one is running a marathon, and trips, one does not start at the beginning, but simply stands up, and continues to run.  This last weekend, I tripped.  I was then trampled by the other runners in the race.  I was left bloodied and broken on the pavement, wishing that I had never even registered for the race, much less shown up and started running.

Change of Heart, or change of mind?

A few days ago, I talked with my stake president.  I mentioned to him that I was seeing my new therapist.  He was familiar with the therapist I’m seeing, and was glad that I was going to be working with him.  I told him that I wanted to see if I couldn’t get my mind figured out, so that I could get my life on track.  Being the kind caring individual that he is, the Stake President pointed to his heart and said that it was the heart that was important, not the head.  I pushed back, saying that it had to be both, that if they were not whole together, neither on its own was sufficient.

Post Council Separation

At the end of the disciplinary council, there were a number of the high councilors who expressed their willingness to support me in what ever way I needed to help me get back to full fellowship within the church.  One of them was a counselor in BYU’s psychological services department, another had his own private psychiatry practice, and others were simply very kind men.  There was only one problem.  In spite of their expressions of wanting to help, they didn’t seem to understand what it meant to help.

Church Disciplinary Council – Prequel

Bishop Davis told me that he needed to talk to the stake president. He wasn’t sure if the situation warranted involving more than just himself and his counselors. He talked with the stake president, and was told that the level of disciplinary council needed would involve the entire stake presidency, as well as the stake high council. The bishop told me that the possibilities for the outcome of the council included informal probation, formal probation, disfellowshipment, and excommunication. I was not exactly thrilled about either of those last two.